bemacilent's Xanga

Thursday, April 21, 2011

Thu, 21 Apr 2011 14:31:19 GMT

I'm not even hungry anymore. I look at food and immediately look away from it. Can't lie, it scares me. But I'm even more scared to eat now. I have a normal routine; that's all I needed. I wake up early every morning. I shower, make coffee, sit on the couch, watch my tv... then get ready and go to work. Usually at work I'd eat anything I could get my hands on, but now I don't want anything.

Last night at the bowling alley, before me and Codi's super-fight, he got me fries. I ate them. He was happy, so I didn't care. After that he started bowling and everything was fine. I touched his phone and he snatched it from me. A couple days ago he told me I could text Kasey and ask her if they ever talk shit about me, because she said I was desperate. SO I grabbed his phone back and was like I'm texting Kasey (smiling), and he FLIPPED on me. I was like geez look I'll show you. The text said "Do we talk shit about Melissa?" I was like is that okay? He said yes, so I sent it. She texted back and it said "No, all we talk about is bowling and work." I laughed and said You told her to say that. Because EVERYTIME I get him proof about something he doesn't believe me about he says that. And he yelled at me in front of everyone... People WERE looking at us. I was so embarrassed I started crying and went to the bathroom... For about 25 minutes. He blamed this shit on me. I had Larry come and get me, and he was pissed. But I didn't care... I was so hurt... He kept saying no one even heard us, which was bull.

Whatever. Right now my stomach feels full. It's growled once and that was when my fries were right in front of my face... I LOVE french fries and he knows that, not fair. I can't wait to get paid... I really don't want to go to work today, not at all. Wish I had more Adderall. I have to do stupid lunch duty. CRAP. Guess I gotta go and get ready for work so I'm not late again.

WHOA

Wed, 20 Apr 2011 14:32:16 GMT

Been a fuckin long time.

Don't have a clue how to say I've been doing. Short story, me and my ex have been going back and forth. We've been happier than ever, and then in a split second we're fighting. Whatever. We broke up this most recent time because he saw me kissing one of his friends. OOPS. Anyway. Devon is a little bitch and tried me too many times. Now he's a goner(: ANYWAY. Took some adderall from my friend, took one Monday and my only other one yesterday. They gave me this great energy that made me feel like I could run a marathon PLUS they made me not want to eat. So I had a cup of coffee in the mornin and a bite of a veggie dog at night on Monday. Yesterday nothing alllll day, and then half an organic, vegetarian pot pie. Parents MADE me, or else I couldn't leave. Then I went to the movies with my ex, which was an absolutely amazing night... until I got home then I decided to be a bitch. Anyway. At the movies I had half a cup of sweet tea and two or three handfulls of popcorn. Then I felt like I was going to PUKE, so no more food, otherwise I'll feel like total shit. Not doin that again. I'm drinking a cup of coffee with a Splenda and 30 calories worth of powdered creamer. Tonight I'm going to the bowling alley with my ex. Some bitch he hung with a bunch is going to be there and he said she was going to start shit. SO I wanna go and see what she has to say(: Gonna be a blast. I've got this strong additude lately and I really want to try it out. All I'll do is smile. I hope. Hahah, I doubt that will truly happen but we'll see, I've never been able to not say anything when I think it, lol. I can't believe how much I've changed in the last week alone. It's blowing me away. I'm all happy, and giddy, and like, I don't give a fuck. I love this feeling.

I keep getting distracted by Tumblr and Black Swan. Ahh, my two favorites.

Edit later...

Tuesday, August 03, 2010

Tue, 03 Aug 2010 22:48:12 GMT

I can be blessed one day, then the next absolutely not. I feel like shit, but I know everything will be okay.

I want someone to argue with me about whether God is real or not. I don't know why. I want a logical answer on why they think he's real.

I've lost a few pounds in the past couple weeks. Sweeet. I've gotten so good at "I'm not hungry"(:

But pounds... lol

Thursday, July 29, 2010

Thu, 29 Jul 2010 15:16:22 GMT

I was so goofy last night, and you thought I was being weird, you were wondering why I was doing that. Lost my good mood when you said that. You're sick. And you're at the doctor as I type this. You weigh as much as me now. 106. I wanr to go tan. But I also want to go to the library. I need a job, and to stop thinking as much as I do. This is not normal.

So Obama was on The View. I think that's bullshit. He was talking about his "negro" background with Whoopi Goldberg. Okay, she's black. You're KENYAN! And white. Stupid as fuck. I'm cramping really bad.

Sunday Amanda is having a lot of people over to her house to swim. And on the 2nd we're all going to Big Kahunas. A water park in Destin. So I need to work on my thighs a bit. Lol. Nervous.

I'd like to be happy now, thank you(:

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Tue, 27 Jul 2010 23:18:33 GMT

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Wed, 14 Jul 2010 17:18:09 GMT

What is wrong with me? I go through these slumps. This time it's because Codi lied to me. He told another girl, while we were broken up at least, that he liked her, they did things, touched and shit. Now it's hard to kiss him. All I do is think about it. I want to be with him, but I think a break from him until I quit thinking of it would be best. Now all I need to do is talk to him about it. I always start to, and then I quit because I'd cry. I want to be normal with him. I need to get over it. It isn't going to happen with me seeing him everyday. I need time alone. Last time I said that I fucked up, and wasn't alone. I wish things worked out differently, I wish I had thought before. Now I think non stop. This alone time will be worth it. It will make everything better.

Thursday, July 01, 2010

Thu, 01 Jul 2010 00:15:27 GMT

"Okay fuck you :) I'll see you whenever you're not goin to be a bitch. :) Wait... You've been a bitch a lot lately so I'm not sure when that will be."

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Tue, 29 Jun 2010 22:50:41 GMT

I believe her.

I'm laying on my bed. Listening to random types of music. For some reason mainly Eminem. First it was He is We, then it was Jason Aldean, then Eminem, then Paramore, then Airplanes by B.o.B. featuring Hayley Williams AND Eminem. Lol. I don't know what it is about Eminem.

I was writing in my diary but it was all sad stuff so I put it away. I'm tired of unhappy. I always go back to this feeling.

Codi's in San Antonio. And I hate it. He's with his mom. And I miss him, he said he misses me too. I don't think he really wants to have a girlfriend. Or he doesn't want me to be with anyone BUT him. So he sticks to having me as his girlfriend. I don't know what I'm feeling.

I'm proud of myself for finally going through with this oil spill job. I'll be moppin in 1500 ish a week. It's going to be really hot, and I'm going to sweat a hell of a lot.

Codi's all upset about this job... I won't hardly see him. The classes are Wednesday through Friday, 7 AM to 7 PM, and I guess if I pass the test it'd be the same times. He said all them guys are gonna be around you, you're gonna get close to one of them and leave me for them. NO I WON'T. ): I love YOU.

You are MINE.

Sunday, June 27, 2010

Sun, 27 Jun 2010 15:27:24 GMT

Sick and tired of this BULLSHIT.

Thursday, June 24, 2010

Thu, 24 Jun 2010 16:40:52 GMT

Just had a whole shitload written and my computer died. Fucking sweet.

Why is it that when I delete boys from my phone and Facebook, you add random girls? I just don't understand what your thinking process is. Melissa hurt me, so I can hurt her back? I never added guys while we were together. I don't talk to guys anymore. Like hardly ever. And it has nothing to do with getting to know them, you're talking to these girls. It just blows my mind. Everyone says it's because you think you have the upperhand in this relationship because of what I did. Why do we do this shit?

I just want to be a normal relationship.